Soul Mate or Door Mat?

Respect Yourself, Know the Difference

 Anjuli Blair, editor assistant

The past six or seven months have been some of the most exhausting, trying, frustrating, painful times in my life. But it has been such a remarkable eye-opening experience. 

There have been such ups and downs. One minute everything is perfect and I'm beginning to feel content, and the next I find that I have to lock the passenger door just to keep myself from jumping out of the car to get away from one of the most difficult moments in my life. Things really do change in a matter of minutes.  And it just isn’t fair; I definitely didn't want it to be that way. 

The point is that we let so much of what other people do dictate our lives and emotions. And for what?  There is nothing wrong with valuing people and their opinions, especially people who care about you, but you can only let that be so much of your life.  If you base all of your feelings about yourself and the world on other people and their actions, all you are is dependent, self-loathing and lonely in the end.  

There is not always going to be someone there with you every second to hold your hand and tell you everything is going to be OK and that you are worth something, so learn to have self-respect and value without having to hear it from other people.

Why do we need such gratification and reassurance from others?  I've learned that if your self worth and happiness is based on how someone else treats you, then when someone treats you badly you take it personally and question your self worth. 

In some cases, no offense ladies, but this is usually us, we need the most approval from those who treat us the worst.  Maybe this is why lots of females go back to boyfriends that treat them badly.  They are jerks to us and make us cry, so we feel like we are worth less than we really are.  Then, when they come back, we need (or at least we think we do) the acceptance, attention, and sense of value we get when they come to the realization and finally see how great we are and ‘can’t live without’ us, or so they say.  When they have this so-called revelation, we feel that we are making ground, and we get a sense of value because they say they really do want to be with us.  So we feel better, and our self worth has been reestablished.  In this specific type of relationship, the cycle is vicious, and one person usually gets his or her heart ripped out and self-esteem trampled, before the situation is resolved.

Actually, there is nothing wrong with you (except for the fact that you need to love yourself and realize that the way you are treated is not a reflection of your value as a person, but a reflection of the way the offender feels about him/herself).  When someone hurts you over and over, (which you should never let anyone do) you have to make the choice to not let their actions cause ripples in your happy little pond.

Yeah, people are going to be selfish, stupid and hurt you. It’s part of life, but they will only hurt you as long as they are enabled by you to do so.  As hard as it is, and as much as you may love that person, sometimes you just have to distance yourself long enough to heal and remember that you are fabulous, no matter how other people treat you. 

I have also learned that if there is someone around you who makes you feel bad about the person that you are (this could be anyone...a family member, friend, boyfriend or girlfriend, some jerk on the street that you don’t even know, a coworker, etc…) there are most likely two or three people who have just the opposite effect on you.  They make you feel wonderful, like you could do anything and they'd love you no matter what.  Those are the people you want to surround yourself with.

You don't need a million friends, and you surely don’t need anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. All you need is one or two people who truly care for you and your well being, and if you are like me and have lots of people like that, then you are incredibly lucky.  These are the people who matter, so make sure you tell them how lucky you are to have them, and how much you need them right now.  And the spectacular thing about them is that they will be there.

They will hang out with you when you want to cry, and they will tell you that you are amazing and treasured by them, even when you feel insignificant.  These friends are those you want to keep for your entire life, and the best thing you can do in return for them when they have helped you find yourself is be the same amazing friend to them.