Metal Music 101

Desiree Mendez, staff writer

Listen up all you so called metal heads!!!!  Today’s lesson is going to teach what metal is and what is not. So sit down and pay attention, as  you could be quizzed later.            

Don’t you hate it when you’re at a concert and there’s that one idiot jumping around and dancing like he’s being attacked by killer bees?  Well there’s a name for this type of idiot it is “poser.” A poser is a guy who tries to act hard but really doesn’t know anything about what they are trying to be.   You will learn today how not to be that guy and if you are that guy, I would strongly suggest that you stay away from the mosh pit.

The first lesson today is: what is metal? When you hear someone say “heavy metal” what do you think of?  Metal is a form of distorted blues and some rock. Example: AC/DC, KISS, Judas Priest, Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osborne, Slayer, Iron Maiden, Megadeth, Dio, Cannibal Corpus, Otep, God Forbid, Sepultura, Mudvayne, just to name a few. This excludes Nu Metal. Nu metal stands for new urban metal such as Linkin Park and Korn. Also anything with “core” in it won’t be metal, this is a form of punk.  Example: Hatebreed, Blood for Blood.

Here are some types of metal, just to name a few.           

Gothic metal is Goth rock played with metal structures and styles. Example: Lacuna Coil, Type O Negative             

Heavy metal is a faster, harder version of blues and rock. Using fast, flowing sets of riffs, solos are more technical and faster. Examples: Black Sabbath, Iron Maiden.

Thrash metal is kind of like Heavy metal, but faster, harder more complex version of it. Vocals are clean, but can be very intense with faster riffs and solos. Example: Slayer

Death metal: This is a more complex version of thrash metal, but very fast and distorted.  Some have very complex riffs, takes thrash and making it faster and harder and more complex. Example: Morbid Angel

There are other forms of metal, which include: melodic death metal, gore metal, power metal, and progressive metal. So just when you thought you knew metal, you don’t know anything yet.  Not only are there different types of metal but also there are different styles:

           

Melodic: This is an exception to melodic death metal. It adds a large amount of melody to riffs and slows them down slightly, making them more ear friendly.  

Shredding: This focuses on some heavy guitar riffs, filled with lots of solos and is straight up metal.

We are here to get things clear on what you should know about being a true metal head. Here are some things you need to know. Head banging is violently thrashing your head and moving your body to the music. According to “Zen and the Art of Mosh Pits”, by James Cook, Mosh pits are kind of like slam dancing, but a little more violent. It’s a large crowd that shifts and swirls in front of the stage. There is also a lot of physical contact. If you don’t like physical contact, then move to the side. People tend to fall down, and you should be kind and pick them up. They could get trampled and cause others to trip and fall. There are very few girls in the mosh pits but if there are girls in the pit, they MUST BE RESPECTED.  But no one really understands the art of mosh pitting. Just remember to have fun.

Now for the most important part of the lesson today and that is the set of rules. Some of these rules came from www.Fuse.tv and some other sources.

Metal Rules

1. NEVER bad mouth Ozzy.
2. If it’s too loud, then you’re

Old.

3. It is NOT metal to sing a song about having your heartbroken and cry about it.
4. Emo stinks
5. Emo stinks (no exceptions, stop looking for an asterisk)
6. Drawing Xs on your hands is stupid and tattooing Xs is really stupid. If you don’t want to drink, then don’t do it.
7. Girls don’t dress like sluts just to meet the band.
8. Blood is metal
9. You’ll worship Satan and like it.
10. Don’t be afraid to express yourself.
11. Don’t annoy other people.
12. Don’t talk bad about the bands performing.
13.  Metal must be played at “11” at all times.
14. There is absolutely NO skipping in metal*.
15. Publishing rights exist so you can never sell the rights to your music, no matter how broke you are.
16. Devil horns should not be abused. Raising the horns doesn’t make you metal.
17. If someone asks you why you like heavy metal, punch him or her in the face and ask him or her how he or she feels. If they say “hurt” or “angry” tell them that’s how you feel all the time and that heavy metal music is your release. Then punch them again and tell them to stop asking stupid questions.
18. Punk is your mortal enemy.
19.  You can’t cut up and burn the Iron Maiden flag.
20. If it’s mainstream, it’s not metal.
21. Pretending you’re a vampire doesn’t make you metal.
22. Metal gods are not replaceable.
23. If you don’t know all the words to Pantera’s “Walk,” you’re not metal.
24. Poser is a word reserved for metal heads to call people who aren’t “true.”
25. Wearing a “vintage” AC/DC t-shirt with gold rhinestones that you bought for $75 does not make you metal.
26. Metal heads DON’T wear pink.
27. NO dancing in metal.
28. Moshing should only be done at a metal show. If you think it’s appropriate, to mosh at Simple Plan then you’re wrong and not metal.
29. Go against the norm.
30.  Jagermeister mixes well with everything. Try it on your pancakes too.
31. Hell hath no fury like a metal head told to turn it down.
32. Go to rehab at least twice throughout your career. This allows your “Behind the Music” to be interesting.
33. Getting banned from a venue because your name makes you metal. Replacing the banned band on the bill and having more disturbing lyrics than the banned band makes you even more metal.
34. Facial hair should not be groomed. You may shape it, but it should be allowed to grow to its full potential.
35. Metal music should never “grow” or “evolve” through time with the band. Some bands like to use that as a copout for why they write pop music compared to their old stuff (cough,cough,METALLICA,cough,cough) Did Motorhead grow? No, They did speed for 30 years and continuously kicked butt.
36. Your cell phone must have a metal ringer.
37. Metal heads are always serious and never have a sense of humor.
38. “99 bottles of beer on the wall, take one down and smash it on someone’s head! 98 bottles of beer on the wall. “
39. METAL HAS NO RULES. BREAK THEM ALL!!!                           

*Exception to rule 14: if you are skipping to make fun of someone and show them how lame they are.         

Note: When you’ve read and followed all these rules and reach rule 39, you have shown your devotion. Devotion is what metal is about. You can now call yourself a true metal head.

Thanks for spending your time and learning a valuable lesson today. So now get out there and kick some butt in a mosh pit. Do some head banging and remember: KEEP IT METAL.

ROCK ON!!!