I'll Take it Plain Please

Brandye Huggs, staff writer

I have strange eating habits.

I know this, my family knows this, and my friends even know this. The problem is, no matter how many times I tell a food server how I would like my food, or not like it in my case, it almost always come out wrong.

This is the thing: I like my food plain. I do not want any extras on my food. I love hamburgers with cheese and meat only. I order this same thing at most fast food restaurants, and the look I always get is one of complete stupor. I am not really sure why. How hard is it to understand meat and cheese only? Well, from my side of the counter, pretty difficult.

I know this is just a bad food habit of mine, but it is my habit. I like things plain and simple. I am always polite when asking for things plain and do not even mind tipping the waiter extra for my difficulty. The problem is, I do not understand why plain is so difficult to understand.

You would think restaurants would love this. All I want is a plain burger. You do not have to take anything off; just don’t ever put anything on. I am not asking for add-ons or extras. You can keep it all. Just give me some meat and cheese and I am a satisfied customer. The restaurant even makes money off of me because the cost of the burger includes all the extras, and I don’t even want them. What a deal!

Yet, I promise you, that on any given day, I will order a plain hamburger and receive the wrong burger. This has an unfortunate consequence. I never leave the drive-through window without checking my order first. It takes time, but not as much time and aggravation as it takes to drive back around and re-order.

The funny thing is, I know I’m not alone. I work as a waitress in a restaurant, and people consistently special-order their food. It never annoys me, and I always ring it in to the cooks the right way.

Here’s the other problem: somehow the cooks always seem to mess up two-out-of-five orders, and I am the one who looks like an incompetent idiot. But it still poses the same question: why is plain so hard for even the cooks to understand?

In a world full of options, why is no option a bad option? Just give it to me plain. No ketchup, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato or onion to mar the perfection of my hamburger, thank you.