Theory tested by means of drunken experiment

by Jason Hartline, staff writer

 

The theory of E = MC Hammered, made popular by the 2006 movie “Beerfest,” has plagued the minds of college students across the world.

The theory is that when an individual consumes an excessive amount of alcohol to put him or her into a state of inebriation, then performs an act or is taught something, the individual will not recall the act or information that is taught to them when they are sober. However, when the individual gets ‘hammered’ again, they will totally recall everything that was preformed or was taught in the previous state.

To calm the wondering minds of college students, E = MC Hammered was put to the test on my more-than-willing roommate Damian Lopez.

Careful guidelines were set to ensure the safety, and precision, of the experiment.

The actual experiment was initially laid out to follow the theory. The goal was to assist Lopez in achieving the maximum state of inebriation and have him perform an act. The following morning, Lopez would be quizzed on the act, and his answers would be recorded. The next night, an inebriated Lopez would be instructed to recall the act he had performed and the outcome would be recorded.

As the theory suggests, Lopez would not recall anything from the previous night while sober but would recall everything while in the inebriated state.

Coming up with what to teach Lopez was the hardest part.

“It’s hard to decide what to teach him,” said Erik Ponce, an observation participant in the experiment. “You don’t want to teach a necessary, life-altering lesson, like how to defuse a bomb prior to waking up sober strapped to a bomb without a 30-pack by your side. But you don’t want to teach something so elementary that he would know it sober.”

The participants and I came up with a simple conclusion. It was decided to not teach anything at all.

We took the keys to Lopez’s truck and hid them, without telling the then-sober Lopez, prior to the start of the night. When Lopez reached the maximum state of inebriation, we took him upstairs and showed him that his keys had been placed in a medicine box on the top shelf of the hallway closet. We even went as far as to make Lopez touch the keys to ensure he knew the location.

Moving backward, after the keys were securely hidden away from a sober Lopez, we started the experiment.

On the first night of the experiment, Lopez started off by consuming four Jager Bombs.

The Jager Bomb is originally a mixture of half a can of Red Bull and two full shots of Jagermeister. This caffeine-alcohol combination creates a unique "high," or at the very least, a counter to the depressant of alcohol - making a person more aware, more energetic, and more active. The effects of the Red Bull are short lived, and the alcohol takes over fairly quickly.

Very shortly after Lopez consumed the Jager Bombs, he played six games of beer pong.

Beer pong is a drinking game during which players throw a table tennis ball across a table with the intent of landing the ball in one of several cups of beer on the other end. The game typically consists of two two-player teams, one on each side of a table, and a number of cups set up on each side. There are official rules, but many people may vary the rules, making them ‘house rules,’ which is stupid. In my opinion, there needs to be a set of universal rules followed by everyone in order to eliminate confusion and optimize game play. There are six or 10 plastic cups arranged in a triangle on each side.

When a ball lands in a cup, the defending team must consume all of the beer inside that cup. The cup is generally not completely filled. The game is won by eliminating all the other team's cups before all of one's own cups are eliminated. The losing team must then consume all the beer remaining in the winning team's cups.

After the final game, Lopez took a quick shot of whiskey and consumed roughly six beers throughout the night.

Needless to say, Lopez was drunk; ideal conditions for E = MC Hammered.

Some very strong supporters of the theory voiced their opinions during the experimental process.

“E = MC Hammered is more than possible,” said Sergio Silva, roommate and friend of Lopez. “If we have to sacrifice Damian’s body to prove it, well, that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”

An already inebriated, skeptical Lopez replied with, “watch out for Aristotle over here.”

With supporters come critics.

“To teach Damian something while he’s drunk is like giving man-birth; You’re in for a some rough stuff,” said Justin Ramirez, an anti-E = MC Hammered supporter.

A still inebriated Lopez responded with, “It’s possible if I want it to be. I’m talking about birth too.”

At that point we all decided to continue with night 1 of the experiment and take Lopez to his keys.

The following morning, Lopez awoke in a scramble to find his keys, so as not to be late to class. He interrogated Silva and I regarding the whereabouts of his keys. Lopez had no idea where to find them, and we didn’t tell him.

Of course, this was great to the people observing. The experiment was right on track.

A hung over Lopez eased through the school day

“I honestly am dreading tonight,” said Lopez. “I feel awful, but I know the world needs to know the truth about E = MC Hammered.”

That night, the steps in achieving a state of inebriation for Lopez were repeated. Reluctantly, Lopez drank eight Jager Bombs, participated in five games of beer pong, took a quick shot of whiskey and consumed around seven beers in the duration of the night.

Lopez might have consumed a little too much the second night, because he got very sick. We all agreed to move the experiment to another date because of the state Lopez was in.

After carrying Lopez up the stairs, we placed him in his bed. Before we walked out the door, to our surprise, Lopez sprang out from underneath the blanket, bounced off a few walls and a door, opened the closet, reached up to the medicine cabinet and pulled his keys out.

“I would hate to forget these again,” said Lopez. “Snap, crackle, and pop you guys!”

Even though we had no idea what the last thing Lopez said meant, the experiment was a success.

E = MC Hammered actually has some sort of factual support.

That first morning, Lopez had no idea where his keys were, even after being shown where they were the night before. After being inebriated again, Lopez knew exactly where to find them.

Unfortunately, Lopez was sick and very hung over throughout the following day, but his efforts and bodily sacrifice proved that E = MC Hammered is true.