Truck Size Doesn't Make You Manly

 Cody Flores, staff writer

Owning the biggest, loudest truck in town doesn’t make you manly.

It’s just an attempt to hide the fact that you’re gay. I don’t care what size engine you have, or how fast “she” goes from zero to 60. You’re 25, and it’s sitting in your parents’ driveway. And what’s the big hurry? I can’t think of any reason why somebody would need to be going that fast in that short amount of time anyway, unless of course they were racing other guys with equally small genitalia.

So, after you’ve spent your minimum-wage check on fancy grills, new motor units, and wheels that keep spinning whenever you pull into the Dairy Queen drive thru, it’s time to show it off to all our friends. Unfortunately, the only friends who seem to be interested are the guys.

Around here, in West Texas, we see a lot of these guys with their 10-gallon hats and their super duty trucks. I love the way they think we are impressed when they peel out or fly past us when the red light turns green, not knowing that every person in every car behind them is making the same sarcastic remark, “Wow, that guy must be cool.”

Another thing that men do to feel more masculine is hunting. Hey, the Native Americans were doing it back in the day, so why not keep the hunt going? The only difference is that the Native Americans were doing it out of necessity. Insecure men are doing it today to get their jollys off, to give themselves a feeling of accomplishment. Shooting a deer 200 feet away with a gun doesn’t prove your manhood. Now, killing the same deer with your bare hands, that might change my mind. Until you can either do that, or equip the animal with its own firearm, why don’t you holster your weapons and fall asleep in between the other two hairy men in your tent?

Whenever another guy takes me into his living room to show me the fine collection of deer heads mounted on his wall, I am immediately reminded of why I am glad to be me.

Trucks and guns can make a self-conscious, insecure man feel like a god, and this can be a very sad display. The fact that you have a new souped up “ride” or the antlers of the buck you shot last weekend impresses no one. So keep it to yourself.